Free advice for home winemakers!

My Zeppelin brings all the drunks to the bar
   And they fight
It's better than yours
   Damn right
It's better than yours
   I can teach you but you have to sparge

Having been at times forced or enticed into "enologie sub-garagiste" (that is not to say, using the bomb shelter under my inferior-vintage Citroen-Maserati as a wine cave) I am all too aware of the difficulties involved in making very small amounts of wine: temperature control, oxygen management, free grapes that are worth less than their cost, and discreet disposal when no one wants to drink them.  Though my professional career has shown my advice to be worth its weight in dimethyl dicarbonate, I am not unwilling to answer the questions that come from time to time from enophiliacs who dabble in what I am pleased to christen the Sour Science: for a mistake can give the same result as the so-called Sweet, if perhaps not felt until the next morning.
Goddamn, why did I drink that bottle of Two-Buck-Chuck Wepner?

You do understand what I mean by sparge, right?  Recule - j'ai un carbodoseur!